This summer I made the most rookie parenting mistake I’ve made in a long time. It was 10 a.m. and I was thinking through our day, and realized I had time to take everyone to the pool when it opened at noon. This wasn’t my mistake – everyone loves the pool, it’s exercise, my house stays clean-ish (not being here helps with that), and the kids all come back exhausted.
The mistake was this — I went ahead and got my swimsuit on a whole hour early, because it was convenient (and I was obviously out of my mind.) I may as well have screamed “let’s goooooo!” while running through the house. The two-year old spotted me and went absolutely nuts. He was so excited! He has no concept of time and He. Wanted. To. Leave. Immediately. I should definitely have known better, as I am 16 years in parenting young children now. Which is to say I’ve learned to walk the fine line between fun anticipation of upcoming events and hedging their disappointment when things take a turn (see also: the million disappointments of covid).
Of course as the kids get older, they get to be let in on the fun things ahead of time, and even like helping to prepare and plan for trips or outings or celebrations. It’s fun when they get to help prep Easter baskets or Christmas stockings because it doesn’t have to be a big secret anymore, and they really like being part of the planning! BUT we have to balance that, still, with not sharing ALL the information (how much vacations and gifts and celebrations cost) or what some of our worries are (will people get sick, etc.)
I know from talking to parents of all ages (with kids of all ages) that this hesitation to share ALL the information never completely goes away. But what’s healthy, and what ends up causing more anxiety?
When it comes to planning for end of life and inheritances, more communication is better with your adult children. With my still-small children, they just need to know “we have a plan and you don’t have to worry about being taken care of.” But as they get older, and become adults? They need to know more, and not knowing causes anxiety of its own. Time and again when meeting with clients I use the phrase “clarity is a gift.” While these conversations can be awkward or difficult, you don’t want to leave people wondering what you would have wanted.
The best way to start the conversation might be “I love you and want to make sure our family is taken care of even after I’m gone, so I started the process of estate planning.” They might want more details, or might just want to know where you put the documents. (You would be amazed how often searching for the documents is an issue.)
If you’re the adult kid in this situation, it may be left up to you to bring it up. If so, make sure you choose a time that is not otherwise stressful, and begin in the same way – I love you and want to make sure our family is taken care of. Estate planning includes end of life care too, so this is a way you can care for your parents, not just yourself.
At the end of the day, it’s about caring for each other. Parents are so good at protecting our kids – from disappointment, from hard conversations, from stress and worry. Knowing when to include kids in the conversation and decision making, and the clarity that comes with that, is also a way to care for each other. This is why I call my initial consultation with clients a peace of mind planning session. If you know someone who might benefit from a conversation, they can schedule here! http://www.calendly.com/galleslawfirm/peaceofmind